User Conference Overload

Bad Software Conference Activities We'd Like to See Disappear

#417 – The Shameless Partner CEO Stump Speech

What they say:

“Hi I'm _________ , CEO of _______. We’re glad to be part of the (insert software company name here) show and we're so glad to be a (choose one: gold, platinum, diamond, plutonium, uranium, zirconium) sponsor of this event.

            

            What they’re really thinking:

“We paid through the nose to get this infomercial slot with you.  Why you'll sit here and listen to me escapes us when we know you won't watch infomercials on TV at home.  You guys are real idiots.  You paid $2000 to come to this conference and we get to pitch woo to all of you captive listeners.  Hey, how about we give you a bag, a T-shirt and a hat so that you can wear our advertising too!). 

 

You know, we've been a strategic business partner of (insert software company name)’s for ___ years now.  Can I get a show of hands as to see how many of you already use our products?

 

 

“Crud!  No one here has even heard of us.  Guess I better dumb down my remarks -- obviously these aren't the high level executive buyers my Marketing department said would be here.

 

Or

 

“Crud!  They all have our products.  Now what do I talk about?  Why am I giving a product pitch to our existing customers?  I know!  I'll tell a lame/off-color/inappropriate joke and give the pitch anyway!"

 

First, I would like to start with a short video that highlights what some of our customers think about our firm.

 

“I hope they don't notice that we wrote the dialogue for all of our customers. None of them would say anything we could use unless we gave it to them on a silver platter.  My goodness! Who would have thought that our customers were so ugly, so gullible, and so inarticulate?"

 

As you know, our firm is all about (pick two: quality, leadership, value, low cost, innovation, or, customer satisfaction).  Since I became CEO, we have (doubled, tripled, halved) our expenditures regarding (picked two: customer service, research and development, global procurement, continuous process improvement, or, employee training).

 

“If only they knew what I really did.  Actually, we cut customer service and we don't really innovate anymore.  We buy innovation every chance we get.  Our core competency is putting pretty packaging on slightly improved products.  For this, we charge a premium price for this "added value".  We've got more problems operationally than ever before and I'm secretly shopping the company so that we can pawn this firm off on some even dumber acquiring firm.”

 

But seriously, customers like you are our number one priority.

 

“You know I was just telling our employees this same thing this week - Employees are our number one priority.  My number one priorities change every 30 minutes.  I tell Wall Street analysts that my number one priority is "meeting our financial targets".  I told those environmentalists picketing our building that “green initiatives are our number one priority”.  And, of course, I tell my wife she is my number one priority just like I tell my kids that they are my number one priority.  When you don't have any other priorities than number one, you really simplify your life.

 

And this of course means that we value you the customer.

 

“Actually, we just want your money. That's what we value. Cut us a check and go away. That's what we really want from you.  Don't call us for support. Don't call us for warranty support either. That just costs us money and that money comes out of my bonus and our shareholders’ dividend payments.”

 

Now because I really don't know anything about our products, I've invited several mid-level staffers to join me on stage and give you a brief demonstration of the things that we sell to you. So let's welcome on stage (CEO looks at notes in his/her hand because this is the first time he/she has ever met these employees) Jane Doe and John Smith.

 

Now Jane, tell us a little bit about the new revolutionary Software 9000 Elite with added Accelerators and industry leading Velocity Impenders.

 

I'd be delighted to sir/maam. In this release of the new Software 9000 Elite, we've added a number of enhanced capabilities. This product now slices, dices, makes julienne fries all in the comfort of your office.  And, for the next three weeks, we will be offering new customers a set of bamboo wok steamers, some random user manuals from a company we bought and much, much more.

 

Now wait a minute - can we really afford to offer all of this capability for the very low software as a service (SaaS) price of $259 per user per seat per function point per month?

 

“Why sure we can because this on-demand product doesn't work.  We’ll clean up on these suckers when we sell them gold and platinum support packages as well as thousands of hours of professional services work.”

 

Well Jane and John, this is been a great demonstration and I'm sure most everyone in the audience will want to learn more from you about this product. Can they see you in the exhibition hall?

Absolutely!

“We’ll be standing around giving away buttons/ink pens/mints/T-shirts/candy for the next four straight days. Please come and see us because we're going to be bored out of our minds.”

 

So let me conclude with another short video that highlights our (pick one: core values, what we’re giving back to the community, our employees, our executive team's commitment, our customers, our products, or, our quality initiative).

 

“Oh no, I just noticed I'm wearing the same suit and tie that I had on the day we shot that video.  But I do look better dressed than all those underprivileged children in the background.  In fact, I really do look studly on camera!  Wonder how many folks in the audience see me up here and think I am super-attractive.  Say, it’s a good thing I have a healthy ego.”

Comments

[Alan Buxton]

Harsh. Brilliant.

[David Turner]

Brian... I never realised you were such a cynic. Will just go retrieve that new corporate video and free cup holder I'd put in the post to you...!

Seriously, very funny. This should be compulsory reading for all marketing directors and CEOs in our industry.

[Padmanabha Rao]

Hilarious. How true!

(the blog category 'Softeare Events' is misspelt)