Please Pass This One Around
The Nothing New Announcement
Ever get the feeling that some tech firms have run out of anything new to say? Here’s the generic press release every tech firm can use when there’s nothing particularly interesting going on:
XYZ Announces Nothing New
Nothing New to Become the New Industry Standard
January 9, 2008 – Chicago - Today, XYZ Corporation is announcing ‘Nothing New’ a revolutionary, industry-leading approach to stall-ware, procrastination and marketing waste. “We believe this is the most important announcement we’ve made this year – maybe this decade”, says Jim Bigwind, CMO of XYZ.
“We struggled for some time as to what to call this announcement. Some thought it should be the “Nothing” Announcement while others voted for “New Announcement”. When someone suggested the “Nothing New Announcement” we knew we had a winner” added Karla Candu CEO of XYZ.
“This announcement is nothing short of extraordinary. It is, in fact, nothing” says XYZ customer Getz Fleeced Oftin at SoftTouch Ltd. “When they told us about this announcement, we couldn’t believe it”.
Industry analysts have already weighed in on the Nothing New announcement. Speaks FurMoolah, principal analyst at FurryGart Research described XYZ’s announcement as “nothing to write home about”. Indeed. “We weren’t expecting anything and when we saw nothing was being announced, we got pretty excited”.
News of this announcement has been circulating for months. Just last week, XYZ officials had to deny that they were about to announce something. “We just felt we had to say something at that time because the media was fueling speculation that we might announce something when we knew weren’t.” added Mr. Bigwind.
“We fully expect that the market will see our position around nothing new as revolutionary and industry leading. Our competitors, as expected, will only see this in a negative light; however, we believe this opens up a new set of opportunities for our customers. Now, customers can continue to use our products and pay us maintenance fees without having to worry about pesky upgrades, conversion costs, etc.” adds Ms. Candu.
“Absolutely,” concurs Mr. Oftin, “We weren’t planning to pay for anything more and now that nothing new is coming, we can even release some of our IT budget for 2008 to spend on other things”.
About XYZ – XYZ Corp. is a venture backed technology firm that leads the industry in buzz word usage, hyperbole and time-wasting missives to industry watchers, bloggers and analysts. If it weren’t for its outrageously over-active Marketing staff and advertising budget you would have never heard of this firm or its products. XYZ was founded by some great people five years but the VC kicked them out and now we can’t even remember who they were. Oh, well.
About Blithering Media – Blithering Media represents way too many tech firms and amazingly enough has no one on staff that understands the space. Blithering Media personnel are expert though at crafting press releases on just about anything (or nothing as in this case). For more info on Blithering Media contact us point.less@ blitheringmedia.com
This is simply hilarious :-)
Posted by: Zoli Erdos | January 10, 2008 at 04:15 PM
Brilliant.
Geek and Poke should do a cartoon on this one.
Thomas
Posted by: Thomas Otter | January 10, 2008 at 11:30 PM
Painfully and hilariously on target, as usual!
Posted by: Kimberly Baker | January 23, 2008 at 04:41 PM